According to my Spotify Wrapped stats, Olivia Rodrigo’s Favorite Crime was my most listened-to track of 2022. And it became my most listened-to track in just three days—all because of a heartbreak. While everyone I knew was savouring the last days of the September summer, I was obsessively, probably unhealthily, drowning myself in Olivia’s sad but hopeful song. For three days, this was my routine:

1) Find a private spot in my local park (I didn’t want to scare my roommates), and 2) listen, then cry, listen and cry. Cry, cry and cry some more. No need to stop my tears; The song was on loop.

Almost a year later, and I’m okay (mostly). But with a new summer upon me, I’m reminded of Those Days, of him, and of the song, and I think… WTF? I’ve never thought of myself as one of those people that are moved by art. I can appreciate the beauty of a painting, sure, and admire its artist’s skill, but that’s as far as it goes, and until Those Days, I had never been so comforted by a song. Finding solace in songs about breakups, grief, unrequited love, or unfortunate circumstances is a universal human experience (maybe not as intense an experience as mine, but you get what I mean). Psychologists call this “pleasurable sadness.” One reason we listen to sad music is because it can act as a “social surrogate,” i.e. a friend to us during hard times. According to a study from 2017, sad music helps us feel better because, like a friend, it can be a source of support and empathy. Through the lyrics, we identify with the singer, and feel comforted by the connection. Sad songs "get us" when we're down.

This makes sense. It was my first summer back in Toronto; I had just graduated from college after spending four years in Oakville, and I found myself alone. I left my college friends and returned to an old friend group I realised I had grown distant from—in part due to the pandemic, but mostly due to my inability to maintain friendships just a city away. I also never told anyone about him until the very end, and by then, my friends couldn't empathise. Since I kept it secret for so long, I robbed them the chance to know how much I actually cared about him. To them, he was a nameless stranger, and I couldn’t expect them to understand how someone they were hearing about for the first time could cause me so much hurt. So, subconsciously, I turned to the song for comfort.
The “official” meaning of Favorite Crime , revolves around recognizing the toxicity of a past relationship, but still wanting it back. Olivia sings to her ex-lover and reminisces about the relationship, despite how badly he treated her (“I crossed my heart as you crossed the line”). She reflects on how she compromised her own boundaries just to be with him (“Those things I did / Just so I could call you mine”). In this sense, they both committed crimes (“One heart broke, four hands bloody”): The ex was guilty of mistreating her and she was guilty of letting it happen. Even so, she hopes that she was his “favorite crime,” implying that his behaviour is a recurring pattern and had committed similar “crimes” with other people. Despite all this, she still cares for him and would get back together with him (“'...you know that I'd do it all again”).

Neither of us were (intentionally) toxic, but he and I both made mistakes and committed “crimes” in our own ways. His crime was risking our friendship, but I committed something even worse—not telling him I felt the exact same way. My fear of vulnerability, my doubts about whether I was worthy of his love, and me being so unaccustomed to any form of affection prevented me from saying it back. I couldn’t, even physically; My body tensed, my throat tightened, and my mind went blank when he confessed. And it happened again and again. More than once, he was honest, but I consistently dismissed him. And by the time September came and he had to leave the city, I had hurt him so much, I let him go thinking I never cared about him.
I haven't spoken to him since.
But just like in the song, I treasure the memories I had with him and I hope that even if I did hurt him, he looks back at our friendship and misses it too.